Marriage and Family...They're tough.

Marriage and family...they're tough.  They're not easy at times.  Here I sit typing this after having a difficult bedtime with twin three-year olds.  (Actually couldn't finish that last sentence without having to run upstairs for another bedtime "crisis" -- a word of which young children have a different understanding than us adults).  I had a long day of being the stay-at-home dad and felt like there was never a quiet moment to myself today even as I now have to think about getting ready for bed.

But I am thankful for my wife and my kids and where I am in life right now even though sometimes struggle with my various roles.   I am madly in love with them all.

Was introduced to this song by Andrew Peterson, "Dancing in the Minefields."  It's what got me thinking along these lines after a long day.

Going To Live With Shane Claiborne in Philadelphia? Not that faithful

Image by cmaio via Flickr

Last Monday, as I drove Shane Claiborne into Anchorage for a meeting with some fellow clergy, he told how hard it is to keep families in his community in Philadelphia.  It's a rough place. There's gunfire most nights.  There's a constant battle with heroin in the neighborhood.   He recounted how a young man had died of gunshot wounds on his front steps earlier this year.  Oftentimes families come to his community and stick it out for a while...and then they decide to move...maybe a mile away...maybe two...maybe more.  But they move someplace a little safer, not quite so challenging.

But it's a place that healthy, wholesome families are needed.

I told Shane that our family has struggled with living in the privileged areas we've been able to live and that there's a part of myself that would find that wonderfully freeing...recognizing that it would be a challenge for myself and would involve sacrifice.  But, more difficult, it would be "forcing" a sacrifice on the part of my kids -- their scholastic education, their friendships, and perhaps their safety.  It would be asking a lot.  And while it may require faithfulness to make sacrifices in your own life, I think it requires a different level of faithfulness to require sacrifices by your children or your spouse.

Shane said, "Jim, if you and your family would like to come to Philadelphia to be part of what we have going on there, we'd love to have you.  We could always use some families who are willing to stay."

My answer was:  "That's an interesting offer, but I'm not that faithful yet."

The "Doepken Walk" -- What we pass down to our kids

I don't know exactly what it is.  I have a hard time pinpointing it.  But it was brought to my attention again today.

I'm down in Indiana for my sisters' wedding.  She's marrying a great guy.  We're all happy for her.  And there's a bunch of our family getting together for this time.  We have Doepkens from Indy and Alaska and Portland and Colorado.  Today, when one of the relatives saw Samuel, she said, "I thought he was Charlie (another "Doepken") because he had the Doepken walk."  And someone went on to say, that Samuel walked like Charlie who walked like Bill who walked like Tony who walked like Jim...me.  And this is right.  There's something about the Doepken walk.

It's not quite a mosey.  Maybe it's a shamble.  Saunter makes it sound far too planned.

But there is a distinctive walk that we Doepken men seem to have.

Maybe it's a shuffle.

Maybe it's a genetic thing and our bodies are just shaped in such a way that we all walk exactly the same.  It could be long tosos that make it happen.   Perhaps we're just lazy walkers and there's not much spring in our step.  Is it nature or nurture.  Were we born this way or did we just learn to walk like this by watching our own fathers.

Maybe we're just meandering.


Nevertheless, we have three generations of "Doepken walkers" and I think my dad's dad had the same walk if I remember correctly.  Clearly this is something that's passed down to our kids.  Maybe Samuel can break the cycle...

But when it comes down to it, a style of walk is a pretty innocuous trait to pass along.  There are a lot of other things that get handed down, generation to generation that cause problems:  poor self-image, anger issues, alcoholism or drug addiction.  And there's lots of good stuff too: faith, and love, and respect.

I hope and pray that, beyond the Doepken walk, I have lived...and am living...my life in such a way that my kids will want to replicate the good traits of my life.

Says Deuteronomy 4:9:

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

Maybe it's a sashay.  That sounds fun.